The challenge

* Memorial Day weekend    Friday - Sunday *
Summer vacation is here! When I go outdoors or walk the house from room to room, I find so much to do, and now I have the "putter time" I crave, to catch up on things. I love finding beauty in outdoor spaces. These spaces expand my mind from lists of things to do and schedules to keep, and bring relaxation with the sense of wholeness. The past weeks have been so gorgeous, with clear cool skies and a clarity of light that is rare in humid Missouri. Though I have been dealing with my seasonal allergies and an ear infection, I can't help being outdoors enjoying time in the gardens in this weather. It's time to let go and be immersed in the sensual joys of summer. Time to shake the TO DO lists and get back to living in the eternal now moments that summer invites and invokes. Time to chill is so vital to a renewed vision. One of my favorite ways to chill is in a hammock, surrounded by the sounds of nature.

I haven't been here blogging for awhile. The end-of-school-year planning frenzy is now playing out as we look ahead to a summer filled with activities. The transitions are seldom smooth and without some emotional strife. It takes me a good while to break away from the to do lists and schedules and just relax, especially when there is much to be done now at home. I need a vacation as much as anyone, but seem to be the last person to give myself a break. Sometimes I hope others will pick up the slack so I can then permit myself to slow down and breathe a little...

Amidst the din, the lessons in love just keep pouring upon me. I have learned much from those strong voices boldly speaking truths because they must. It takes much courage to continue to love in a difficult situation, continually filling the spaces of seeming separation with love so that understanding, positive change and growth may occur. Judgment, fears and expectations erect boundaries and walls, closing up rather than opening spaces. My closest friend has been a beacon of light, boldly shining and reaching out to me with compassion in times of struggle. I have been blessed by moments with parting students, when they opened up to share their insights and gratitude.

In every situation, we can choose to act as Love or fear. Love opens and expands and casts out fear. Fear manifests in myriad myopic ways like greed, ownership, control, defending, warring, division, separation, guilt... Fear and self-protection go hand in hand, for the ego is all about self-protection and survival.


*Chicago trip     Monday - Wednesday*
It seems my daughter has her heart set on attending Columbia College of Arts in Chicago after just one visit. She loves the idea of schooling in the heart of a diverse city, and is impressed with the schools emphasis on networking, connections and internships made in "the real world." We also toured Webster Conservatory in a St. Louis suburb, which  has an impressive theater department.

Having Sierra's friend Julie along was great. Chip and I had a great getaway as well, enjoying the time as guides for the girls, as well as time to ourselves. Exploring new spaces brought the sense of newness I seek. Yay!


*Second Viewing of Cloud Atlas    Friday * 
This movie is brilliant art. Genius. Chip and I first saw this film in a St. Louis theater back in October, on our way home from our Hannibal getaway. It affected me then, but this second viewing of our purchased copy was even more profound. I find the film so inspirational! It leaves me inspired to live outside myself, live courageously, outspoken and unafraid. It inspires me to continue tuning the voice of courage, to be to other souls an inspiration, taking the hand of affinity and acting on that without fear, simply because it is on my path to do so. We are vessels, voices of truth among the forces of corruption, inhumanity and self gain.

I allow truths in music, writing, art and film to speak to my soul and move me. This is fine art, these are tools for change, not just entertainment. I have the soul of an artist, thirsting for Life, compassionate and affected. And in being born with this soul, I am charged with its happiness, its glowing flame, its thrill in expression and the sound of its voice, its delight in a childlike sense of innocent safety...

Like the characters of the film, I have those who brought their courage to my life and in some profound way, freed my soul. Some vanish and some stay on, but they all serve to move me in this path. They give me courage through their great generosity, point the way in love, and often affect real changes in me. They are blessings, ministering spirits. One can never know the ripples that come from such a union greater than our little lives, our bodies, our plans! Do not fear it! Providence owns your life! You are not your own!

"Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something - and it is only such love that can know freedom." - Jiddu Krishnamurti   Love Love Love

What is my truth? What does this voice wish to say? Can I find the means to share it, or am I dumb with fear? 



* June 1   Saturday*
Did not wake happy. Woke in the wee hours with a sense of heavy despair. I had a sinking feeling that what I work hard for and invest in is breaking down and will eventually become worthless. These feelings are linked to a belief system - a belief system not steeped in grace but in works. I have been impatient, hard working, grasping and maintaining. I have not been waiting on Provision, and am uncomfortable with the absence of work required on my part to accept such grace! Sometimes I prefer to earn favor and a sense of value and accomplishment, then it can be my own.

Herein lies a basic battle and cause for personal turmoil. Owning my need for control/ responsibility/ return on investment ( WORKS) VS. (GRACE) allowing/ receiving. Paul writes, "By grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." If I take the belief in works, then I must also take with it the weight of failure, guilt, responsibility and the costs of those self-protective sins of ownership! If I know the faith in grace, then giving and generosity and carefree joy is the natural response in gratitude! Herein love, not fear, can rule the heart, guided by "knowingness" and setting the captive free! And there is no hanging on to things, playing at deals of shrewd investments for solid returns! It feels too irresponsible to be true! Some of my errant beliefs are in conflict with the idea of grace right now, with thoughts like, " If you are going to invest  that  much, be sure it is worth it," or "you have a responsibility to others, to the world, now own up!" My sense of value has become skewed and too important to me. "Taking control of my own" has become detrimental to acknowledging and accepting grace. Even having a business can be a challenge to my generosity, and placing monetary value on what I love to share can be killer.

Grace is the true true. Greed, control, power = ownership are all ANTI to Love's grace and newness of life! Realizing grace = the freedom to love others as God first loved us. Like those persecuted for boldly stating their truth, I may do the same in boldness, without fear, extending generous grace to others with no thought for self. To claim to be owner of ANY thing is trouble.

It is always those who stand with boldness and action that in turn give enlightened others boldness, often inspiring to action/revolution! And those standing in boldness do not do it because they own it, but because the idea owns them and they must. That gracious Source calls them to it and they have faith and trust it, and therefore are sure to act always in Love and grace. The work must always be understood to be bigger than an individual, divinely inspired, in the flow of grace. That is how the greatest things are done by the most humble and common of people.

There is much to unlearn and let go...

We are to be true to Love/Who we are.

"Unconditional Love is our birthright, not judgment or condemnation, and there is nothing we need to do to earn it. This is simply who and what we are."  - Anita Moorjani